Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
