You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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