I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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