my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
