Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
