tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
How does it feel to date your dad?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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