My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
It's official drugs can't kill me
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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