i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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