I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
