youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
