Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
