just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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