do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
