Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
