I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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