got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Everything about him screamed your future.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
