okay pat passed out under dana's car
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
God I need to hump something, right now.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
The air taste purple.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
