His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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