I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
