rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
