i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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