my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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