dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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