saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
