just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
