I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
