I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
