if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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