my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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