you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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