Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
