Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
