she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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