I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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