What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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