She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
