my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just pee around me
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
