its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
