I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
