Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the day after is always just damage control
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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