how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
