made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
