In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
