My liver just broke up with me...
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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