Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
