I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
