Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
