I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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