I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Randomize
