I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
